CLOSET POOPING TIPS 1-4

The Prime Mover is a closet pooper and doesn't like to talk about his program. But with an alias, he can let it rip. Over the years I have picked up a few tricks to make blasting the dook at both the office or anywhere in public less of an ordeal of shame. Let me share a few pointers with you tonight.

1. Find the Highflow: I loves the new office because of the privacy, but when it comes to dropping a deuce, there are still problems. Luckily my new office has an older building attached with an old school 5 gallon tank. The Feds say it's murder on the environment. I says there is a time and place. These are denoted by their gargantuan tank atop what the government would consider a normal size bowl. The truth is, a big job calls for a big tool. Enjoy it if you can find it, because sometimes, it's the only hombre that can handle your job (please note there are a few 3 gallons out there still kickin' it from the tweener years before the tyranny of the 1.6).

2. The Give and Go: When I know that I could possibly be defiling the workplace for others I takes preemptive measures. As soon as I feel that log passing the threshold of no-return, I hit the flush. Hopefully that turd hits the whirlpool and between the exit velocity and the gravitational pull of your workstation, it will pull the ship down with minimal air contact. This technique does wonders for reducing the stink.

3. The Rambo: After a night of putting away Malt Liquor, Richards, and Mexican food, sometimes you have a Perfect Storm a brewin'. This is where you need to go all George W. and launch a preemptive war. As soon as you enter the bathroom, turn on the sink faucet and let the water run. If you're lucky, nobody shows up. Even better, you have an alternative noise to fool your coworkers as Moby and the Black Buddies of Death leave you in a funky fresh TechnoFest.

4. Vent that Shit, Dawg: Taking the above into consideration find a bathroom along the outerwall, particularly one with a window. This will vent your stink and when used in conjunction with a fan will give all your stink a place to go 24/7/365.

Of course this is for all y'all closeters that have to share the office with a bunch of uptight skirts that will make commentary of your lower intestinal disasters. If you have others, feel free to share...this is a safe place free from all judgment.